Dan Vs Hortense
by FlowerofAdversity
Summary: Takes place shortly after the Wedding episode, and will be writing a sequel and insinuations that Dan might have a tidbit of pervert in him.


Dan VS. Hortense

Synopsis: After the overwhelming response I recieved due my first Dan Vs fanfic, I decided to give the readers what they truly want. This takes place soon after the wedding episode, and guess who decides to crash the festivities ?

Chapter 1-Following Her Trail

Dan had left everything behind just to stay close to Hortense. She was about to marry a man that was old enough to be her father, and to make matters worse, this would be the seventh time Mr. Jerimiah Burger had been married. Dan couldn't understand what Hortense saw in Jerimiah other than the fact that he made a boatload of cash and whatever she wanted could be provided for by him. As far as Dan was concerned the two had absolutely zero in common and she seemed to be a bit of a gold-digger by entering into this union to begin with. He wanted to be happy for her, but couldn't. They had so much _chemistry_ to begin with. What could've gone wrong ? None of it made sense.

Dan couldn't think about his past screw-ups with Hortense. He was gaining on her and had to remain covert to allow himself plenty of room to observe her from afar. Some might call this stalking, and he was fairly certain that if she found out, she would definitely file a restraining order against him. That would mean that he would no longer be able to see her ever again. This caused a great melancholy to wash over him, but he shook it off.

'I mustn't be destracted by my failures. I've made mistakes, and granted I may make more, but I cannot give up now.', he thought to himself. In the back of his mind, he could still hear Chris lecturing him how tracking Hortense down was a terribly foolish plan and only an idiot would carry through with it. Dan wasn't just any _idiot_. He was a fool in _love_, and he knew a good thing when it came into view. Besides, Hortense was adorable and he couldn't shake the feeling of butterflies just _thinking_ of her. She might have been a little ditsy and maybe not so smart, but to Dan it didn't really matter. She was beautiful inside and out, and her cute valley girl accent made his heart flip flop. He never wanted that feeling to subside. All that stood between him and his future bride to be was Jerimiah Burger and Dan's unending hatred of him.

Chapter 2-Why, I'm Don, a Cousin of the Bride !

Coming up with an alias had been easy as pie for Dan to do. He decided to don a wig, a fancy tux and tails that he had scratched whatever he had together from years of saving from odd jobs (and old collectables sold on Ebay) as well as a wig he had worn for Halloween at one point and time. He looked much like Austin Powers or Mad Mod, but it suited his new persona nonetheless. He was now Don Malone, cousin of the bride.

The security for the second wedding had been stricter this time than it had the first. Dan was clear that Jerimiah had meant business in tying the knot with his beloved. Dan wasn't armed with firearms, knives, brass knuckles or anything potentially dangerous, unless a Swiss army knife counts as a weapon. No, even though he was irate and wanted to choke Jerimiah within an inch of his life, he would settle this like a man.

Jerimiah was amused by Don's comments at the reception until they became derisive. Looking closer at Don he was certain he had seen Don around somewhere before, but he just couldn't put his finger on where he had encountered this familiar face before, but his snide remarks were really sticking in his craw.

'Where do you get off on making ridiculous claims about me ?', Jerimiah asked as he pulled the retro-dressed Don aside for a tet a tet.

'I know what I know. I don't reveal my sources.', Dan said, enigmatically. Jerimiah had no idea what that was supposed to mean.

'Why are you here, Don ? That is, if that truly is your name.', Jerimiah questioned, keeping his ire contained. Dan cleared his throat and realized then the jig was up.

'Alright. So you found me out. Look, I still have feelings for Hortense and the only reason I'm in this crazy get up was because I _knew_ you would throw me out if you caught me. You saw right through my disguise, as predicted.', Dan said, in a defeatest tone. His countenance fell immediately and he tried to keep himself from crying in front of Jerimiah, lest Jerimiah get the sense that Dan wasn't manly enough to exchange verbal banter with him.

'I thought you'd at least _do_ something dangerous. This is unlike you. Actually I am glad you came to your senses, Dan.', Jeremiah stated, feeling more at ease with his advesary.

'I wanted to make good with Hortense. I know she probably won't want to see me, but seeing that I cannot sway her from marrying you, I have no other recourse but to surrender.', Dan stated, feeling morose. He began to feel a bit hopeless, insuiating that there would be no other woman in the world that would ever take Hortense's place.

'That's very honorable, son. I'll go and fetch her.', Jerimiah said, rushing to grab Hortense from the punch table. Hortense, at first, wasn't happy that Dan had appeared again, afraid he would ruin everything for her.

'I know my feelings about this union were wrong at the first. But I couldn't have been more moronic. Since I...l-l-lov...care about you quite a bit, I am letting you go. You deserve each other. I have seen your face light up around him. Who am I to come between you both ?', Dan said. Dan felt tears nipping at his eyes and at this time he really didn't care if he cried in front of her, because he knew he had failed. He feared he would be alone for the rest of his life.

'You are an amazingly kind man. I wonder how many people realize you are a gentleman underneath all that pretense.', Hortense said, hugging him. She felt wetness on her shoulders from his tears but said nothing.

'Unless you want me to write, I will no longer harass you.', Dan said, beginning to take his leave.

'I would like that. Best of everything to you. Don't be so downhearted. There's someone for everyone in the world, Dan.', Hortense said, hoping that what she said cheered him up somewhat. Dan nearly cringed at the cliche, but somehow coming from her, it was uplifting.

Chapter 3-Green Eyed Lady

Dan decided to stick around a while at the reception due to the fact the food was free, and not to mention, delectable. Many of the desserts he had never tried before and he was indulging himself to the point where he felt like he was going to puke. Holding off on stuffing himself further, he looked to his right. In a short, flirty little black dress was a green eyed auburn haired lady. She was svelte, but curvaceous. She wore rectangular wire frames and had an air of intellectualism about her. Ignoring the gas in his stomach, Dan stood up and gathered his confidence. The pain and melancholy he had been harboring earlier had disipated. Now he was only focused on the chic stranger that had sparkled his eyes and quickened his pulse.

'Hi, I'm Dan.', Dan began, rather suavely.

'I'm Hortense's cousin, Florence. Everyone calls me Flo.', Florence said introducing herself. The two began talking and came to the realization they had immense amounts of characteristics in common. They both enjoyed classical literature, particularly Shakespeare, the two of them adored slasher flicks, and best of all, they relished the pointless and cathartic crashing and smashing of smaller vehicles by souped up monster trucks in the monthly rallies that occured every so often in Santa Monica. He soon learned she was a chocoholic and her favorite treats were chocolate chip cookies, but like Dan, she too was lactose intolerant.

'Had I known weddings were a stupendous way to meet gorgeous babes, I would've come to them more often !', Dan thought to himself while dancing with Florence to the _Electric Slide_. Then came a slower number, _Eternal Flame_, a song that he had once loathed. Now hearing it with Florence and holding her shakily around the waist, he had to admit the song wasn't that bad.

Epilogue 

Though at first, Dan's scheme to pull Hortense away from Jerimiah ultimately backfired, he saw the result of what jealousy, bitterness, rage and impulsiveness could do. Though Flo wasn't into revenge taking as much as Dan was, she was a revolutionary and liked shaking things up a bit. She did so peacefully without causing riots. She was very convincing (and the fact that she had vast amounts of cash helped her cause). Dan didn't know where this friendship would head with Flo, but granted, he hadn't been happier. Honestly, it was all he cared about, since she even supported his cause in his plots against almost everything earthly (and sometimes concepts that were a bit unusual).

It was the little things in life that gave him that unmitigated giddiness; that sticking in back to 'the man' with a hot _and_ brilliant woman that gave him ultimate fulfillment in life. Yes, indeed. Life couldn't be sweeter, and who knows, if Flo and he married, he would become _related_ to Hortense. Surely that put him in an even better frame of mind. Presently, that thought never crossed him once but it was lovely to admire her from afar.

The End ?


End file.
